i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
