i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
