you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I didn't notice because vodka
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
