There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Randomize
