3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im holly from the hills drunk
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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