Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
