My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
