I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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