On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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