i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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