Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
