I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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