someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
