Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
