Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
These tits shall not be calmed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
