Betty ford says i'm here all night
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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