it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
