Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
