tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
