Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
