I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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