Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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