Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
