i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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