i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
