I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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