is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
