lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
