if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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