So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
