Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
