you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
