I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
