my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
