Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My day in three words: secret purse cake
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
