fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
