I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
