I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I pour the whiskey from now on
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
