the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
