Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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