his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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