Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
