Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
