Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
