News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
