i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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