he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am naked and annoyed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
