everyone is single if you try hard enough
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
