I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
