why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
