sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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