I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
