I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
